~stream save myself by ashe~
2020 was the worst year imaginable, right? Wrong. The year didn't go as expected, but 2020 was a year of introspection, a year of growth, and a year of loneliness.
Weight loss has often been a top objective in my life. Last Christmas I got an Apple Watch and using that in January 2020 I finally began following through on my repeated New Years Resolution of losing weight. At the start of quarantine, I spiraled into a vicious routine of excessive exercise and restrictive eating. I had all the time on my hands and nothing to accomplish and my weight loss suddenly became my focus: it was a lifestyle. It worked, I did lose a lot of weight, but I quickly realized that this wasn't a realistic lifestyle. It wasn't a healthy lifestyle, even if it consisted of healthier habits. Maybe it was working for me during a pandemic but in the real world, I couldn't run 2 hours a day and practice intermittent fasting with a no-carb diet. I gradually eased out of intermittent fasting and began intuitive eating. I continue to work out daily but I don't exert my body more than it can handle. The numbers on the scale might be slightly higher than they were in June, but I am healthier and happier today.
The other day, I saw this humbling journal entry that my friend posted a picture of on VSCO.
"When I get lonely these days, I think: so be lonely [y/n]. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map with it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."
In the year 2020, I have been more alone than ever. I'm a super social person, so the pandemic made life a little tough. I began making myself spend time completely alone and doing rejuvenating things - reading, coloring, writing, listening to music, doing yoga, etc. There were minimal instances throughout the year when I actually felt alone, a feeling that often comes with my insecurities or fear of missing out. I have felt alone a lot in years past and I really learned the difference this year. When I was physically alone, I didn't feel lackluster, I instead appreciated the time and found new activities I could engage in on my own. Puzzles, reading, art, writing, running. I'm still learning my way around loneliness but I have learned to sit with it and take it for what it is. Choose loneliness once in a while, it can be very rewarding.
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